I still haven't found, what I'm looking for

I wonder, what is the thing, that can permanently make us happy? It seems to me, that all those small, precious moments of "happiness" come and go very fast, somehow being shallow, and only enough to make it through the day; not to form something deeper and more stable, and to convince us to "catch it and never let go".

I have a feeling that we are letting this happiness pass us by daily, because we are not capable to recognize it. It has different shapes and meanings for all of us, mostly not recognizable for others, and more often, note even for ourselves. Sometimes we think that what we have is enough and we cannot achieve more. Constantly scared that we might lose it, and in that exact moment, we realize that that is not what we were looking for. What do we need then?

That's the thing. When everything we thought it's right, becomes all that is wrong, then what? How to discover "that something", without creating more illusions, or fooling ourselves? If we never felt it, experienced it, then how should we recognize it? They say, when that "something" happens, you just know. Is it the truth? Because, everything we thought we knew up to that moment, breaks apart. It just stops existing, making no sense at all. And what do we have left then?

To embrace it all over again, to start over, create another enhanced circle, which will eventually lead us to exact same point, where we know nothing, and nothing matters anymore? But we will do it anyway, 'cause we are not familiar with what is permanently changing our essence, in order to become truly enough and happy. We simply don't know, and it might be that is in front of us all this time, just waiting to be recognized and accepted. Maybe we are looking at it right now, not being able to see.

However, it cannot be unreachable. We need to expand our minds, overcoming everything we were taught up to that moment. And what is limiting and controlling us, making us anxious about the unfamiliar and being more scared of the life, than death. To stop running away from ourselves and all our fears, instead of facing them, and proving how strong and brave we actually are. Until that becomes the only option we have, we are not fully aware of it.

And when you find yourself looking straight into the eyes of your biggest, so far unimaginable fear, this is when you actually realize that all those things you were scared of, are not important anymore. The moment to overcome yourself has come, and you have to win this battle. To survive - because there is no other option. To move on top of that fear, means to grow bigger than yourself. And it's the only competition worth having in life.

After everything passes, the same doubt is still hanging around, the same pain, same eternity. Don't search - create, and you fill find. Don't drift, stop for a second, listen carefully and allow yourself to feel. It is there, you just need to give yourself into that perfect moment. To truly believe and really, really want it.

"I believe in the Kingdom come, then all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one, but yes, I'm still running. And I still haven't found, what I'm looking for."*


*U2. The Joshua Tree. May 1987. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Copyright © December 2020. Danijela Mališić. All Rights Reserved.

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